What can I say? I haven't been the most communicative or regular of bloggers the past few months. This blog post in itself will probably also be short.
It's holiday time. Things are generally good in Magenta's world. My OCD has tended to manifest itself in the area of counting and fear of certain colours, rather than contamination. This is probably because I haven't been around as many people and am not at school at the moment, a place where communal interacction is at its highest.
I have found that, for whatever reason, my mind has developed this intense hatred of the numbers 8 and 6, the letter g, and the colour orange. Even typing it makes me feel slightly sick in the stomach. I know it's totally irrational, but that still doesn't stop the feeling from occuring. I find that I try my hardest to avoid all of these things, but sometimes its really quite difficult.
What makes me even more motivated to destroy this manifestation of OCD is because of how much I love my numbers. How dare it even consider that it could take that away from me. I refuse, absolutely refuse, to let that happen. Not this time, OCD! I'm not going down without a fight!
Frankly, OCD, you're pissing me off. It's time you left. I will not let you run every part of my life and take over the things I love the most, particularly not numbers or reading.
I've been talking with my doctor - and apparently it's a good thing to be annoyed at your OCD. It means that I am separating my OCD from myself. I am disassociating it from my personality. It's not just some quirky little habit that I have, it's not me at all. It's a disabling condition that has been a part of my life for too long, and I want it gone. This annoyance has made me realise that Magenta is not her OCD, and OCD is not Magenta.
I've recently been playing Chess against my OCD. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But it's all part of the process that is meant to make me realise that OCD is not my friend, rather my enemy. And tricking me into thinking that OCD is a part of my personality is all part of its grand plan, and I will not let it win.
So, for anyone out there that feels like they can't get rid of this condition, like it is too much a part of them, or even for anyone who has cognitive rituals that happen before they can even be spotted and stopped, this post is for you. Never allow yourself to give in to that temptation, because it's exactly what OCD wants you to think. It isn't your friend, it doesn't want what's best for you. It is taking the parts of your life away that you deserve to enjoy and is never responsible for any of your achievements, regardless of if stress drives you to do well, or if you think your OCD makes you a high achiever or gives you comfort. The comfort is false and OCD never works for the good of the person. Instead, it parastically leaches off you, taking away all of the things in life that you love.
Don't let it win.
