Saturday, 19 November 2011

Isolation vs Motivation.

So, it's been practically forever since I last wrote. It's not that I've been super busy or anything, though that is partly true. I just decided that I'd try something new.

Since the last rant that I wrote on this blog, my life has changed dramatically. Whether it's for better or worse, God hasn't revealed to me yet. Upon returning to another Psychiatrist appointment a few weeks ago, two more diagnoses were made. It was concluded that as well as going through OCD, I was also showing great symptoms of depression, as well as a form of cognitive rituals. I'm still attempting to process this all, and it's a lot to get one's head around. When you actually feel like you are getting somewhere, or feel like you are getting better, it isn't exactly helpful to be told that you also have depression.

As a result, my medication dosage has been increased, and so have the resultant side effects. Some days are good days, and I feel motivated for life. Others aren't so good. I find that when I'm having a bad day, the best thing for me to do is to lie down, and cry until I sleep. It sounds depressive, but it actually helps most of the time.

However, whilst this has been hard, it has, like most of life's challenges, taught me a life lesson. Over the past month, isolation has been tempting. Sometimes it seems that all people do is hurt you, and that your life would be improved if you stopped associating with them. It has been tempting to stay in bed all day, refusing to go to school, not particularly wanting to deal with the stresses of talking to friends or family.

I know how it feels. I've been there and I'm still going through it, still fighting that temptation. The aim of this post is, as well as updating you on my life, to plead with all who are reading this to not give in to isolation. Instead, find motivation in your life, as hard as it is. Find the thing that keeps you going, the thing that never fails to put a smile on your face. For me, it's my passionate love for learning science and maths, my best friend  Timothy who has been forever supportive, and the amazing, sacrificial, eternal love of Jesus through which I am saved.

Don't give in. I know it doesn't seem this way now, but it will get better. When you feel like you're at the lowest point, look to your place of comfort, that special person that brings you solace, and know that it can only get better. Isolation is a curse, don't let yourself fall under it. If I can survive this journey, so can you.

'My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.'
-Pslam 73:26. 


  1. Beautifully put. I agree, we have to push ourselves daily not to give up or give in. Every day I do what makes me anxious and I do not (99% of the time) avoid anything, and I feel so strong and empowered, not letting OCD run my life. I run my life, the real me. Be well... -Lolly

  2. Thank you for this post, Magenta. I too want to give in to the temptation to isolate. I think of it as "resting" or what have you but it is really just isolating and it's not healthy. It is hard work to resist the temptation to isolate and sometimes I'm not up for the fight but you are right... we should always strive to NOT give in to it.


    P.S. I was also just recently given an additional diagnosis of "Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" which means depression and anxiety are always there fueling my OCD.

  3. I have read many times over that OCD is rarely diagnosed as a lone mental health condition - It is usually accompanied by other factors so try not to feel too distressed about it and know that you are in good company.

    I agree that isolation is not a good thing at all. Before I was diagnosed with OCD a short time ago, I spent much of my day alone, contemplating my thoughts, which, in hindsight, was something that I believe exacerbated my obsessions and, ultimately, my anxieties. It's far, far better now that I have confided in those close to me and in return receive a huge amount of support that I neglected when I isolated myself.

    Best wishes.

  4. The ups and downs are confusing to me, too. I was certain of my depression before I accepted the OCD diagnosis. My counselor thinks I have anxiety that isn't OCD as well. Good for you in keeping going. Math and science are pretty nice, aren't they? Sometimes schoolwork helps my brain feel organized/grounded/sensible again. And it's neat to see how God has provided people to help me in some of my worst times.

  5. Lolly: Thankyou for your feedback! I agree with every word you have said in response, and my support and friendship is always here for you.

    Elizabeth: I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. It is very difficult coming to terms with it all, as I mentioned in this post. You shall always be in my prayers.

    OCD Anonymous: Support from others can sometimes prove to be absolutely amazing. Hearing another perspective, or just having someone to listen helps to an extent that I had never thought possible. I'm the type of person that is constantly thinking, but sometimes I really need to stop myself from thinking about things that are not good for me, such as small details and obsessions.

    Abigail: I also have Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which is separate to my OCD. I was always a very anxious child, and I couldn't/still can't deal with the unknown. Maths and science are fantastic. Their definite nature is so comforting to me, and they offer me a beneficial and positive outlet for my obsessional and pedantic nature. God is truly amazing, he is the light of my life.