Friday, 19 August 2011

Don't be worried, I still exist.

It's been a while.

I feel as though I only just started writing this blog and already I'm falling behind in keeping you up to date on my life and its events.

Lots of things have happened over the past week and as I sit here and write, I'm still trying to think about the best place to start.

I guess the most significant thing to happen to me over the past few weeks is that I've been started on some medication. Last Tuesday, I returned to my psychiatrist, only to tell her that I hadn't had much progress in fighting my OCD over the past two weeks. I believe I had succeeded in leaving my wardrobe door open once, but had still showered three times every night and was still washing my hands three times every time I used the bathroom, as well as using hand sanitiser compulsively throughout the day.

So, it was decided, after much conversing, that I would be started on anti-depressants. This isn't because I'm depressed, though my OCD has resulted in much social isolation as I find myself constantly over thinking when I'm with people. This sometimes results in sadness, because it's just so hard for me. I struggle to understand social situations, gestures as well as often not understanding sarcasm. As a result, I like being alone... a lot. I thrive on it in fact. I've explained all of this to my close friends, about not getting sarcasm and struggling with social rules. I also have a physical sign that occurs when I'm not understanding something people related, which is quite often, that being that my left eye twitches. This is because I am thinking so hard that my head actually starts to hurt, and I guess it just comes out in a twitch. It's kind of helpful though. My close friends know when I'm not understanding something, and they help me to find a joke funny or to explain social situations literally or with numbers, the best ways for me to understand things.

Anywho, the point is, I'm now on medication. I was told that side effects that may occur include headaches, nausea, general sickness, sleep deprivation etc. I've found that I've been experiencing fairly intense headaches and some general sickness, but I've also been sleeping better than what I have been in the past. I don't expect to see a mood change until I've been on them for approximately three weeks, but I am legitimately excited by the prospect that things are going to start changing in my life. The decision to go on medication was an easy one for me. If there is a chance, no matter how small, that something is going to make my OCD back off, I'm willing to take it, no matter the cost. I look forward to seeing things happen in my thoughts, obsessions, and compulsions. I'll keep you all posted.



  1. Dear Magenta,

    I can so relate to what you wrote about social situations. I don't get sarcasm a lot of the times and I am easily confused by social interactions. I remember when I was a teenager going out with a friend and her church youth group-- I was so anxious because I didn't know anyone and I was trying to fit in and it was so stressful. I went home that night and hysterically sobbed myself to sleep out of frustration.

    Starting medication was the best thing I ever did for myself. Although, it took me until last year when I was 32 to begin taking it :-) I have often wished I had known that I needed to take it as a teenager-- I feel like my social life would have been -- well, it just would have existed.

    I too am on an antidepressant -- I think that is all the doctors really prescribe for OCD because the anti-depressants help those thoughts move along.

    I know you are a teenager-- if you don't mind my asking, how old are you? I ask because you remind me a lot of me.

    I am still trying to only wash my hands once each time. I have always washed mine 3 times in a row. It has been such a challenge to only do it once and I don't always remember. My therapist has told me I've been doing it 3 times so long that it has become a real habit with me.

    Lady Delphinium-

  2. I hope the antidepressant works well for you and am glad you're sleeping better

  3. Lady Delphinium: It can be really difficult, and people don't understand why you struggle for much. You feel so silly because it comes natural to everyone else, yet you find it so hard. For me, sitting in maths class is the most relieving part of my day!

    I'm fifteen years old, though most people automatically assume I am older. I generally act a lot older than what I am and my social life generally consists of those older than me.

    I completely agree with that! Some of my OCD habits are so engraved in my lifestyle that I don't even realised I'm doing it.


  4. Abigail: Thankyou so much :)